I like to think it is to help me think about the past year; what I learned, the mistakes I made, etc. I would definitely like to think that perhaps my own struggles, successes, etc., would help others but I think I kid myself on that. Well, since it is my blog why not review my year in 2015?
If I had to give a title to my 2015 it would probably be "Exodus". For those unaware, exodus basically means "going out", or a mass evacuation. This doesn't mean I made a mass evacuation this past year because honestly that sounds like a bad medical issue. What I mean is there were a lot of situations, thoughts, ideas, and long-held beliefs that I had to get out of, or evacuate from myself.
For example, my on-again, off-again relationship with God was something I had to get out of. Either I was to believe in God and follow Him, or cast Him off entirely and just do what I was going to do regardless. There was a time this year where I simply gave God up and was ready to walk away.
Honestly, I don't know what made me repent specifically from that direction. I just remember waking up one morning and realizing I was angry. I was upset. I was not happy with my situation in life, and I could not continue being a husband, father, and man feeling this way. Realizing that, I knew some changes needed to be made within myself. One of the first things I did was reached out to someone who had angered me last year and apologized to him for my anger towards him. Honestly, I don't think he realized he had made me upset. He had just used some words that probably did not need to be said, but we all make mistakes. I found once I apologized to him and received his apology, some of the anger dissipated.
I then focused on changing the things I was unhappy with. I decided that in order for change to occur, I had to be that change. That is a tall order especially for someone like me who was beginning to get way too settled within myself. However, I have come to believe that if you want change to occur, you must change yourself, become that change, and through your changed actions you will inspire others around you to change. Funny thing is, those around you who are changing because of you may not realize it. They're just following your lead. So far it's working.
I also knew at some point I had to reconcile with God, and that meant separating myself from thoughts and/or people that were keeping me from that reconciliation. I also knew that meant spending time with God in prayer. It is hard for me to find a convenient time in a house with a two-year-old toddler and a wife who is stressful and tired from work and the aforementioned toddler, but I had three hours during the work week alone in my car. I started turning off the radio or iTunes Player, and instead started talking to God. In the mornings I start my day off praying as I am driving. I know some ministers would frown at that but right now it is the only time I have in peaceful solitude to talk with God. I am working on praying to Him though when I am stationary in my house. Driving and praying can almost be as dangerous as texting and driving... Especially when someone cuts you off in traffic mid-prayer.
I have worked extensively to let go of political banter. Every now and then I find myself jumping down the rabbit hole but I don't go as deeply into political entanglements as much as I used to. I honestly believe too many of God's people are becoming snared in the worldly system of politics. Though I have tried to present some reasons why they should not be, I find myself ill equipped to fully engage in that discussion with them. In the meantime, I focus on myself before I start focusing on others.
Thanks to some sage advice from a friend, I have started to unfollow people this past year on Facebook so I don't see their posts. Some political banter is okay but the constant barrage I see from some of my friends just gets to me. People need to chill, and that's something I have learned this past year.
2015 finally saw me leaving Kansas as a work place behind after two years there. Thanks to the same sage friend mentioned above, I transferred to a job in my old hometown of Bristow, OK. I may never live there again but it has been great working there. I enjoy the drive too as once more it gives me time with God.
2015 also saw me leave college again. Yeah I know but hear me out. It started getting stressful, and when this new job came up I saw no need for it. I honestly started college again with the intent of abandoning the Occupational Therapy field because I was so busy complaining about my work situation that I forgot why I was in the field in the first place. I forgot that I was in OT to help others. Once I started focusing on that again, the pursuit of another degree with all the stress of balancing it amongst all my other duties and responsibilities seem fruitless. This doesn't mean I have completely abandoned completing my degree. I may modify what I am pursuing when I am ready again. It just means I have other stuff going on.
Honestly, I think 2015 for me has been an exodus out of my own selfishness. I stopped complaining about work, stopped complaining about life, and just started doing whatever it was I needed to do. If I disagree with the President (and honestly who doesn't), instead of griping about him I just started praying for him. I accept what I can change and what I can't change and politics is something I cannot change. If I thought my marriage was sucking, instead of complaining about it I just started doing something to see if I can improve it by doing whatever needed to be done. That has been the biggest change for me in my life is to not complain but rather truly do something to change it. It goes back to me being the change.
Thought I have been a father now for 12.5 years, I finally figured out this past year that there is no room for selfishness when it comes to being a parent. You have to think outside of yourself constantly in order to provide and be there for your kids. I like to think I was never a bad father because I wasn't, but there were always a little bit of hereditary self-centeredness I needed to deal with once and for all. I think I have accomplished that this year and will continue to do so in 2016.
2015 was a strange year, but also a much improved year. I don't make resolutions because I believe change should be a daily quest, and not something held off when the number on the year changes. Looking ahead; however, I would hope 2016 sees me growing more with everything I need to grow in. That means some battles lie ahead but I go in alert and ready.
Until next time...
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