I struggled to write this because I wasn't sure of first what all I should share, or how much of it to share. I could tell you all of how I grew up around alcoholics and drug users. I could share about my two failed marriages. There are so many mistakes I have made in my life that I could share, and if I was only telling my story I would do that. However, this is a story of how God delivered me and that is the story I want to share.
For a long time, ever since I was a child, I have felt afraid and inadequate. My fear was born from seeing the transformation of my mother caused by alcohol. She was beautiful, intelligent, and kind when sober; however, when drunk she was ugly, mean, cruel, and angry. I became afraid of her after I witnessed her beating my older sister Crystal one night in a drunken rage. I ran into my bedroom and hid under my blankets. Ever since that night, I have nightmares I'm hiding in that bed in fear my mother would bust through my door to hurt me. As a child, I would wake up screaming. As an adult, I still have these dreams-in fact, I had the dream just a few weeks ago-but I am able to wake myself up before my mother grabs me.
I felt inadequate because my mother was very overprotective of me, and any sport I tried she didn't approve because she told me I would get hurt. My older sister would tell me I was too weak to play. There was no father figure in my life. My mother had left him when I was two or three. I never got to meet him, and up until late 2012, I never knew what he looked like. My mother cut his image out of any pictures she had, and I wasn't allowed to ask about him. If I persisted, my mother would tell me he was abusive to her, he was a monster, and I had best hope I didn't wind up like him. Whenever I would lose my temper, my mother and sister would tell me I was acting just like him.
I know God desires us from our beginning, but I truly believe He started pursuing me when I was fifteen or sixteen. I say this because God led me to the Scroggs family who were instrumental in helping me to change the direction of my life. God can work through anyone and/or any situation, and it can start with something as simple as John offering a teenager a ride to their early morning high school marching band rehearsals. God can work through the words spoken one morning by Sister Judy to a teenager who was unsure about going to church. One morning as I waited for John to get ready (which often took a long time), Sister Judy must have known how uneasy I felt about the church they pastored. That early morning as I was eating breakfast, she looked at me and said, "Josh, I want to invite you to church, and I would love for you to come. However, I can't force you, and I want you to know that no matter what you decide you'll always be welcomed into our home, I'll always feed you, and John will still give you a ride to school."
Looking back now I can see Jesus was speaking through her. That was unconditional love. It was a type of love I had not been shown before. So I started going to church soon after, but I never truly surrendered to God. I thought just being in church and being around the Scroggs family was enough, and as long as I surrounded myself with people like them I could fake the funk-so to speak. Without true surrender to God, all that fear and inadequacy remained until I started attending church here and fully surrendered. However, I believe God had laid a foundation for me when I was 16, and looking back as I was writing this testimony, I believe the words Sister Judy that morning spoke to me was God's message. He wouldn't force me to come to Him. I would need to make that choice myself, but when I did make that choice God would be there.
I continued to fake my salvation, or let's say I was religious but not spiritual-there's a difference. When I met my first wife and found out her family were Christians, I thought I had found my new "Scroggs" family to be with. However, some day our falseness will be found out, and though we can fool some people, we can't fool God. My first marriage ended because I had an affair while stationed in the Army away from everyone I relied on for my "walk with Christ". In truth, I never was on that walk.
Being the stubborn person I can be at times, I blamed God for my marriage with Kelly ending, and if He had not been with me then, I wouldn't definitely be with Him now. I still claimed I was a Christian when asked, especially when Facebook became a "thing", but I really wasn't. I was more interested in satisfying my own desires.
My passions are what got me with Jennifer, my soon-to-be-second-ex-wife. Our relationship was born on a bed of passion and a false hope of validation. Jennifer promised me she would take care of me and I could trust her with anything. So I told her about the abuse I had endured as a child. I trusted her with things I never even told my first wife nor many of my friends. I thought I could trust Jennifer and feel safe and adequate. Instead, for the last four years I felt anything but what I needed. There were times Jennifer would call me by my mom's name saying I was just like her as my mother and sister would do to me in relation to my father. All the confidence I had gained from the Army and being on my own was stripped bare. When we separated, it was because I refused to back down from a decision I had made concerning my daughter.
So when I started attending church here, it was because I knew Ben, and I felt like I needed to get back to where I had first felt God but this time not ignore Him. I wanted to be challenged to accept the real God and not the God based on other's salvation. In other words, I knew I needed to choose God. So that morning when I stepped forward at Ben's encouragement, it was God pushing me forward. He had never stopped pursuing me though I had ignored Him for over twenty years.
Complete acceptance of Jesus as my Savior does not mean all that fear and feelings of inadequacy were gone. The walk with God is a continual process. Each day we have to seek God and ask Him to search us and clean us. We have to let go of the past mistakes and our sins of the past. We have to stop being afraid of what others think, and we must realize that God never finds us inadequate.
I want to end this story with a story from the Bible. So if you'll indulge me, I'd like to share an "Extended Edition" of the Book of Joshua. Whenever I start feeling inadequate or fearful, I read the first nine verses of the first chapter of Joshua. As I'm reading it, I like to imagine there must have been some doubt in Joshua's mind. I mean think about it-Joshua was replacing Moses. Moses, who talked to God as His Spirit burned like fire around a bush. Moses, who God used to cause trouble for Pharaoh and led the Israelites out of Egypt. I wonder if Joshua was thinking, "Who am I to replace Moses?" Not only that, but I wonder if Joshua worried about what all they had been through during those forty years of wandering in the wilderness. Was he fretting about the mistakes they had made?
I ask myself this because three times God reassured Joshua of his standing with God, and encouraged Joshua to not be afraid. Verse 5, God tells Joshua, "No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life; as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave nor forsake you." Verse 6, "Be strong and of good courage." God repeats this in verse 7 saying, "Only be strong and very courageous, that you may observe to do according to all the law which Moses My servant commanded you." Finally, in verse 9 God once again states, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."
I have made many mistakes in my life, and I have played the "religious Christian", and yes I have been hurt by others. However, God says that is all in the past-Egypt is behind me-and all I need to do is follow God; move forward towards that which God has prepared for me. Be strong, be courageous; because God is just as much with us as He has been with all those great people in the Bible. All it takes is a choice to not be afraid, to accept God's adequate view of you, and as my main man Joshua said in Chapter 24, Verse 15, "Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve. But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD."
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