Next weekend will be exactly one year since my wife and I separated. As we are in the process of divorce I am not going to write about how much I miss her, or that I'm sad to be single again. Honestly, looking back I have realized I have been set free from the falseness that surrounded our marriage. Our marriage was built on a foundation of false pretenses. There was no God in our marriage. It was all about telling one another whatever we thought the other wanted to hear.
For my wife, she thought it was her job to fix me. She wanted to be my savior, but she also wanted to appeal to what she thought I as a man wanted from her. I remember her telling me she was bisexual because she thought that would appeal to my fantasies of having a threesome. In truth, I was curious about it but I wanted honesty from her. I thought I needed a savior but not her as one. I really needed Jesus as my savior.
So yes, here I am single and in the process of divorce. I'm not lonely, and I'm not desperate for sex. I will not make that mistake again. In the last year since the separation, my relationship with God has grown. I have returned to my faith. Not only returned but have been more sincere and active with it. No longer will I sit on the sidelines of Christianity but instead be a walking memorial to what Jesus has done for us.
As I reflect back, I offer this word of advice for both men and women entering relationships with one another (I only see relationships as between a man and a woman for clarification):
1. Women, do not tell a guy what you think they want to hear about you. Tell them who you really are and be up front with them. If that kind of honesty shuns them then they are not the right guy for you. Also, don't give up the secrets to your body on the first, second, or even third date. Don't give up those secrets until after you have walked down the wedding aisle. It's that important. Either they fall in love with who are or they won't get to fall in love with what lies underneath your clothing.
2. Men, look for qualities in a woman other than what their breast sizes are. I have found myself lately drawn to a woman's smile and above it all their eyes. If I can see the same beauty and happiness in their eyes as what their smile portrays, I become smitten. Also, stay that way. Even after marriage continue to fall in love with their eyes, their smile, and who they are. Don't fall in love with how they look like naked. That's icing on the cake. It's not about the flesh.
3. For both, it's not a competition. There is no wrong or right. There is you and their is your partner, and somehow through the disagreements you both have to find the common ground.
4. Your job is not to fix one another. You both are supposed to grow and mature but not to fix the sins of someone's past. That is God's job. Let Him do what He is supposed to do.
5. Finally, never drag your kids into the middle of your fight with your partner. Kids are not offensive nor defensive weapons. Kids are not the reason you stay with someone. Kids should never be used against one another. Be adults and leave kids out of the argument.
It's time for bed. I am having a great time in North Little Rock, AR. God bless you all.
Saturday, April 29, 2017
Monday, April 3, 2017
"13 Reasons Why" is Good But It's Not the Social Message It's Trying to Be
There is a new series on Netflix right now called "13 Reasons Why". It is a 13-episode Netflix Original series that is based on Jay Asher's debut book of the same name. If you have not watched it then please exit this post for SPOILERS abound!!! There is your spoiler warning.
The show, produced by Selena Gomez (you read that right) is about the students of Liberty High recovering from the suicide of troubled teenager Hannah Baker (played by Katherine Langford). Prior to committing suicide, Hannah records a series of 13 reasons on old-fashioned cassette tapes as to what led her to ending her life. These tapes are shipped to each person listed on the tapes one at a time, and then delivered to the next person via the instructions left by the deceased. Clay Jensen (played by Dylan Minnette) is the next to receive the package of 7 tapes; each reason being recorded on both sides of each tape. The readers in my age range of 35-40 will remember how cassettes had two sides. Each episode is based on the tape Clay is listening to with flashbacks aplenty to the event in narration from Hannah as Clay retraces each and every step she took. Clay is joined by jock stars Justin (Brandon Flynn) and Zach (Ross Butler), aspiring valedictorian and class president Marcus (Steven Silver), popular but secretive, self-ashamed girl Courtney (Michelle Selene Ang), cheerleaders Jessica (Alisha Boe) and Sheri (Ajiona Alexus), school yearbook/stalker photographer Tyler (Devin Druid), snobby, student writer Ryan (Tommy Dorfman) and musician Alex (Miles Heizer) who were each listed on Hannah's tapes as reasons. Along the way, there is Tony (played by Christian Navarro) who serves as the "Jacob Marley" guide in this tale. Meanwhile, Hannah's parents are building up a case to pursue a civil lawsuit against the school for Hannah's death.
Each episode describes how each person on her list in some way led to Hannah's decision to kill herself through direct/indirect bullying, teasing, gossiping, betrayal; basically every thing you have ever felt in high school, or continue to feel if you are young enough to be in high school and reading this was a reason Hannah listed as having been done to her by these people. In the end, the final tape is for High School Counselor Mr. Porter whom Hannah blames for not doing more her final day to reach out to her. However, as the story unfolds he did everything within his ability to help her.
That is where the series ends for me. While the story as a whole is a great and intelligent fictional drama highlighted by its creative style of episodic delivery, the blaming and shaming it does to the other characters who surround Hannah does not deliver the poignant social message it was attempting, but rather sinks the ship it was trying to sail completely. Throughout each episode, various characters tell Clay Jensen that Hannah made the decision to end her life only to face stiff rebuttal from Hannah's justice seeker that each and every one of them failed her and could have done more to save her. Even the High School Counselor tells Clay that his love can't bring back a dead girl, and she did not want saving. The season should have ended on that note, and if it had the story would have delivered the social message it wanted it to. Instead, what we get is another safety zone story about how bullying will always lead to people committing suicide.
When I was in high school between 1994 through 1998, I was a victim of bullying--particularly my Freshman year in which the upper classmen of the high school band spread rumors that I was gay. By the way, looking back on it now the irony of a homosexual rumor being created by the kingdom of geeks known as the high school band is not lost on me. I was also non-athletic with a scrawny frame of 130lbs on a 5'9" body. The list of bullying tactics used on me included pole-racking (it's a wonder I had kids as an adult), knocked out by fists, nearly choked out in art class, called names, threatened, and the list goes on and on. I hated high school for those reasons, but I also found many other reasons to like it such as friends, band, art, and church. I could have cried victim to bullying but instead, as every person before had to do, I chose to rise above it. Now some of those bullies are friends of mine while others have disappeared from my life. In other words, they don't matter.
Why can't we tell our kids this now? That what people do or say to us does not matter in the long run. I remember my step-father brazenly telling me, "Suck that shit up or be a faggot like they say you are." Message was loud and clear: let it affect me or ignore it. I ignored it and made the better decision for it. Now though in the day and age of participation trophies and every snowflake is precious, there is no hardening our youth against the horrors of the world. Instead, we tell them they are victims and it is other people's faults. Please understand I get the seriousness of bullying, and I get the seriousness of suicide. I just don't think blaming the bullies for the decision of individuals is anymore right than the person picking on the other person.
Yes, Hannah was targeted by people who sexualized her through Justin's sharing of a photo showing an "upskirted" image. Yes, Hannah not only witnessed the rape of her once friend Jessica but was also a victim of rape. Yes, Tyler photographed Hannah and Courtney making out in Hannah's room. There was a lot of things done to Hannah but in the end, in her final days, Hannah made the decision to kill herself. The counselor tried to get Hannah to reveal the rapes; tried to help her but Hannah took what Mr. Porter said the wrong way and left his office only to turn around and say aloud to the hidden microphone in her bag that he should have ran after her but didn't. This was not the first time Hannah projects blame. After screaming at Clay to get the "^&*( out", Hannah muses in the tape that she wishes Clay would have stayed there and told her how much he loved her. Clay suffers through this realization as he listens to her tapes, and in an imagined scene by Clay telling Hannah that, she asks, "Why didn't you tell me this before?" My question was why did you push him out, and if you were truly sorry, why didn't you run after him? It works both ways.
Suicide is tragic in so many ways. The tragedy is not just in the person who ended their life because they thought there were no other options, but also in those who were a part of that person. Family members left in the wake of suicide's violent storm wondering and suffering through their own personal hell of did they show that person enough love? Did they do everything they could have to prevent it?
The truth of it is as I have read more and more about people who committed suicide is that no matter what intervention you think could have been given, it was never going to be enough to stop them. If a person has made up their mind to end their life, unless someone is right there to stop it at the moment of prepared execution, then that person is committed. It's a tough pill to swallow, but swallow it we must instead of filing lawsuit after lawsuits against schools and students, or other social systems. One must accept that their loved one was troubled and made the wrong decision.
With all of that said, we do need to be aware of warning signs. Watching this series unfold these last two days makes me believe there were signs Hannah was giving that should have been paid heed towards. The high school counselor perhaps should have handled his session with Hannah a little differently. I was flabbergasted when Mr. Porter assumed Hannah had wanted sex and now was regretting it instead of letting Hannah naturally describe her feelings and the events that created those feelings. There were some failings on Clay's part as Hannah's friend that I thought the show addressed real well. It also showed that we as parents do need to pay more attention to our children even at the sacrifice of our personal successes.
I hope and pray my children will always know they can come to me, and if they don't know then I will make sure they do know. Anytime I have my kids for my visits with them (I'm a divorced dad), I talk to them and let them know I am available for any and every topic. I even talk to my daughter about her periods and sexuality because she needs to know there are no limits to our conversation.
If we as a society want to take any responsibility for our kids' suicide it is that we should never be afraid to talk to our children about anything. Ever.
The show, produced by Selena Gomez (you read that right) is about the students of Liberty High recovering from the suicide of troubled teenager Hannah Baker (played by Katherine Langford). Prior to committing suicide, Hannah records a series of 13 reasons on old-fashioned cassette tapes as to what led her to ending her life. These tapes are shipped to each person listed on the tapes one at a time, and then delivered to the next person via the instructions left by the deceased. Clay Jensen (played by Dylan Minnette) is the next to receive the package of 7 tapes; each reason being recorded on both sides of each tape. The readers in my age range of 35-40 will remember how cassettes had two sides. Each episode is based on the tape Clay is listening to with flashbacks aplenty to the event in narration from Hannah as Clay retraces each and every step she took. Clay is joined by jock stars Justin (Brandon Flynn) and Zach (Ross Butler), aspiring valedictorian and class president Marcus (Steven Silver), popular but secretive, self-ashamed girl Courtney (Michelle Selene Ang), cheerleaders Jessica (Alisha Boe) and Sheri (Ajiona Alexus), school yearbook/stalker photographer Tyler (Devin Druid), snobby, student writer Ryan (Tommy Dorfman) and musician Alex (Miles Heizer) who were each listed on Hannah's tapes as reasons. Along the way, there is Tony (played by Christian Navarro) who serves as the "Jacob Marley" guide in this tale. Meanwhile, Hannah's parents are building up a case to pursue a civil lawsuit against the school for Hannah's death.
Each episode describes how each person on her list in some way led to Hannah's decision to kill herself through direct/indirect bullying, teasing, gossiping, betrayal; basically every thing you have ever felt in high school, or continue to feel if you are young enough to be in high school and reading this was a reason Hannah listed as having been done to her by these people. In the end, the final tape is for High School Counselor Mr. Porter whom Hannah blames for not doing more her final day to reach out to her. However, as the story unfolds he did everything within his ability to help her.
That is where the series ends for me. While the story as a whole is a great and intelligent fictional drama highlighted by its creative style of episodic delivery, the blaming and shaming it does to the other characters who surround Hannah does not deliver the poignant social message it was attempting, but rather sinks the ship it was trying to sail completely. Throughout each episode, various characters tell Clay Jensen that Hannah made the decision to end her life only to face stiff rebuttal from Hannah's justice seeker that each and every one of them failed her and could have done more to save her. Even the High School Counselor tells Clay that his love can't bring back a dead girl, and she did not want saving. The season should have ended on that note, and if it had the story would have delivered the social message it wanted it to. Instead, what we get is another safety zone story about how bullying will always lead to people committing suicide.
When I was in high school between 1994 through 1998, I was a victim of bullying--particularly my Freshman year in which the upper classmen of the high school band spread rumors that I was gay. By the way, looking back on it now the irony of a homosexual rumor being created by the kingdom of geeks known as the high school band is not lost on me. I was also non-athletic with a scrawny frame of 130lbs on a 5'9" body. The list of bullying tactics used on me included pole-racking (it's a wonder I had kids as an adult), knocked out by fists, nearly choked out in art class, called names, threatened, and the list goes on and on. I hated high school for those reasons, but I also found many other reasons to like it such as friends, band, art, and church. I could have cried victim to bullying but instead, as every person before had to do, I chose to rise above it. Now some of those bullies are friends of mine while others have disappeared from my life. In other words, they don't matter.
Why can't we tell our kids this now? That what people do or say to us does not matter in the long run. I remember my step-father brazenly telling me, "Suck that shit up or be a faggot like they say you are." Message was loud and clear: let it affect me or ignore it. I ignored it and made the better decision for it. Now though in the day and age of participation trophies and every snowflake is precious, there is no hardening our youth against the horrors of the world. Instead, we tell them they are victims and it is other people's faults. Please understand I get the seriousness of bullying, and I get the seriousness of suicide. I just don't think blaming the bullies for the decision of individuals is anymore right than the person picking on the other person.
Yes, Hannah was targeted by people who sexualized her through Justin's sharing of a photo showing an "upskirted" image. Yes, Hannah not only witnessed the rape of her once friend Jessica but was also a victim of rape. Yes, Tyler photographed Hannah and Courtney making out in Hannah's room. There was a lot of things done to Hannah but in the end, in her final days, Hannah made the decision to kill herself. The counselor tried to get Hannah to reveal the rapes; tried to help her but Hannah took what Mr. Porter said the wrong way and left his office only to turn around and say aloud to the hidden microphone in her bag that he should have ran after her but didn't. This was not the first time Hannah projects blame. After screaming at Clay to get the "^&*( out", Hannah muses in the tape that she wishes Clay would have stayed there and told her how much he loved her. Clay suffers through this realization as he listens to her tapes, and in an imagined scene by Clay telling Hannah that, she asks, "Why didn't you tell me this before?" My question was why did you push him out, and if you were truly sorry, why didn't you run after him? It works both ways.
Suicide is tragic in so many ways. The tragedy is not just in the person who ended their life because they thought there were no other options, but also in those who were a part of that person. Family members left in the wake of suicide's violent storm wondering and suffering through their own personal hell of did they show that person enough love? Did they do everything they could have to prevent it?
The truth of it is as I have read more and more about people who committed suicide is that no matter what intervention you think could have been given, it was never going to be enough to stop them. If a person has made up their mind to end their life, unless someone is right there to stop it at the moment of prepared execution, then that person is committed. It's a tough pill to swallow, but swallow it we must instead of filing lawsuit after lawsuits against schools and students, or other social systems. One must accept that their loved one was troubled and made the wrong decision.
With all of that said, we do need to be aware of warning signs. Watching this series unfold these last two days makes me believe there were signs Hannah was giving that should have been paid heed towards. The high school counselor perhaps should have handled his session with Hannah a little differently. I was flabbergasted when Mr. Porter assumed Hannah had wanted sex and now was regretting it instead of letting Hannah naturally describe her feelings and the events that created those feelings. There were some failings on Clay's part as Hannah's friend that I thought the show addressed real well. It also showed that we as parents do need to pay more attention to our children even at the sacrifice of our personal successes.
I hope and pray my children will always know they can come to me, and if they don't know then I will make sure they do know. Anytime I have my kids for my visits with them (I'm a divorced dad), I talk to them and let them know I am available for any and every topic. I even talk to my daughter about her periods and sexuality because she needs to know there are no limits to our conversation.
If we as a society want to take any responsibility for our kids' suicide it is that we should never be afraid to talk to our children about anything. Ever.
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