Next weekend will be exactly one year since my wife and I separated. As we are in the process of divorce I am not going to write about how much I miss her, or that I'm sad to be single again. Honestly, looking back I have realized I have been set free from the falseness that surrounded our marriage. Our marriage was built on a foundation of false pretenses. There was no God in our marriage. It was all about telling one another whatever we thought the other wanted to hear.
For my wife, she thought it was her job to fix me. She wanted to be my savior, but she also wanted to appeal to what she thought I as a man wanted from her. I remember her telling me she was bisexual because she thought that would appeal to my fantasies of having a threesome. In truth, I was curious about it but I wanted honesty from her. I thought I needed a savior but not her as one. I really needed Jesus as my savior.
So yes, here I am single and in the process of divorce. I'm not lonely, and I'm not desperate for sex. I will not make that mistake again. In the last year since the separation, my relationship with God has grown. I have returned to my faith. Not only returned but have been more sincere and active with it. No longer will I sit on the sidelines of Christianity but instead be a walking memorial to what Jesus has done for us.
As I reflect back, I offer this word of advice for both men and women entering relationships with one another (I only see relationships as between a man and a woman for clarification):
1. Women, do not tell a guy what you think they want to hear about you. Tell them who you really are and be up front with them. If that kind of honesty shuns them then they are not the right guy for you. Also, don't give up the secrets to your body on the first, second, or even third date. Don't give up those secrets until after you have walked down the wedding aisle. It's that important. Either they fall in love with who are or they won't get to fall in love with what lies underneath your clothing.
2. Men, look for qualities in a woman other than what their breast sizes are. I have found myself lately drawn to a woman's smile and above it all their eyes. If I can see the same beauty and happiness in their eyes as what their smile portrays, I become smitten. Also, stay that way. Even after marriage continue to fall in love with their eyes, their smile, and who they are. Don't fall in love with how they look like naked. That's icing on the cake. It's not about the flesh.
3. For both, it's not a competition. There is no wrong or right. There is you and their is your partner, and somehow through the disagreements you both have to find the common ground.
4. Your job is not to fix one another. You both are supposed to grow and mature but not to fix the sins of someone's past. That is God's job. Let Him do what He is supposed to do.
5. Finally, never drag your kids into the middle of your fight with your partner. Kids are not offensive nor defensive weapons. Kids are not the reason you stay with someone. Kids should never be used against one another. Be adults and leave kids out of the argument.
It's time for bed. I am having a great time in North Little Rock, AR. God bless you all.
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