As part of my recovery steps and principles outlined by the Celebrate Recovery program, on 19 January, 2020, I read off my moral inventory to the elders of my church. To be that honest, and that vulnerable to other men had its intimidation but because I trust them, I was able to overcome that fear and read my list. And let me tell you, it felt good to unload the weight of all my moral deficiencies and to hear feedback from them.
In the Book of Psalm, Chapter 51, the psalmist, David, writes:
"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right and steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from your presence and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit (10-12, AMP).
When the prophet Nathan confronted King David concerning the latter's sins* (2 Sam. 12:1-4), David felt the tremendous weight of sorrow and conviction for his sins. David, a man after God's own heart (1 Sam 13:14), prayed to God to correct his heart; and restore David's joy of salvation instead of fearing the wrath of God.
When we confess our sins, God is faithful to forgive us (1 John 1:9) and we do not need to fear His judgement.
In the same chapter, the psalmist continues:
"For you do not delight in sacrifice, or else I would give it. You are not pleased with burnt offering. My [only] sacrifice [acceptable] to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart [broken with sorrow for sin, thoroughly penitent], such, O God, You will not despise (16-17, AMP)."
In the time of sacrificial offerings to God to atone for one's sins, we see David acknowledge that there is nothing he can offer sacrificially on a burnt offer that truly pleases God. David knew what the rest of would come to know through Jesus Christ, and that is the only reasonable sacrifice we can give to God is making ourselves a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1). There was no ritual, nor any other acts of man which would please God. Only David's honest confession of his brokenness, and a truly repentant and sorrowful heart would please God.
God wants us to be honest with Him; even when and especially if the sin is too shameful (according to our view because God sees all sin as the same). To God, there is nothing too great that cannot be forgiven (except for blasphemy against the Holy Spirit [Matt. 12:31]. However, if we are not honest with Him; not truly repentant of our sins, then the One who truly knows us inside and out, and from whom nothing can be hidden, cannot clean our hearts if we keep hanging on to the darkness.
Until next time...
*Concerning David's affair with Bathsheba and plotting the death of her husband to cover up the affair.
Monday, February 24, 2020
Saturday, February 22, 2020
A Good Saturday
Today has been a good Saturday. I woke up and cooked my usual breakfast: two fried eggs sunny side-up, three slices of Blue and Gold bacon (the best!), hashbrowns (that I shredded myself), and two slices of toast chased down by a glass of cold milk. It's one of my favorite meals to cook.
After milling about for a bit around the house, I went to one of my favorite places to hike: Osage Hills State Park. It offers easy trails with moderate challenge, but it is peaceful. I found my usual place overlooking the lake there and sat watching the calmness of it. I prayed to God and worshipped Him there.
I can tell I am out of shape. I felt winded after completing the hike, and my feet are now sore. I need to get to the gym and start my routine over again. The last few months have not been kind as I have gained weight especially because of the medication I am now on.
On the way home, I stopped at an observation point to take the following picture:
I love how on the top of this hill, it gives an awesome view of the downtown area of Bartlesville, OK, and all the way to the hospital. Such a beautiful scene and I was finally able to capture it.
I finished painting some of my "Heroquest" figures last night, and will probably paint some more tonight or tomorrow. I am happy with how they turned out.
It was very therapeutic to paint these, and I even had Robert Jordan's "Eye of the World" book playing on my CD player. I love how my hero figures look, and I can't wait to show off the monsters the "Heroquest" game comes with.
Until next time...
After milling about for a bit around the house, I went to one of my favorite places to hike: Osage Hills State Park. It offers easy trails with moderate challenge, but it is peaceful. I found my usual place overlooking the lake there and sat watching the calmness of it. I prayed to God and worshipped Him there.
I can tell I am out of shape. I felt winded after completing the hike, and my feet are now sore. I need to get to the gym and start my routine over again. The last few months have not been kind as I have gained weight especially because of the medication I am now on.
On the way home, I stopped at an observation point to take the following picture:
I love how on the top of this hill, it gives an awesome view of the downtown area of Bartlesville, OK, and all the way to the hospital. Such a beautiful scene and I was finally able to capture it.
I finished painting some of my "Heroquest" figures last night, and will probably paint some more tonight or tomorrow. I am happy with how they turned out.
It was very therapeutic to paint these, and I even had Robert Jordan's "Eye of the World" book playing on my CD player. I love how my hero figures look, and I can't wait to show off the monsters the "Heroquest" game comes with.
Until next time...
Friday, February 21, 2020
Careers I Would Like to Have
I have been in the healthcare industry (it pains me to call it that but it is what it is) for nearly 20 years of my 40 years of life. It has been rewarding as I have helped many people along the way. I started out as a Combat Medic in the US Army eventually upgrading to an Occupational Therapy Assistant. I was able to work with many wounded warriors from Afghanistan, Iraq, and various other campaigns. Since being a civilian, I have had the privilege and the honor of working with many elderly from the WWII and beyond era. I am deeply blessed to have met and helped many of my WWII heroes.
However, the field of OT has been affected by the many changes in the healthcare insurance companies, and increased government regulations. As a result, having to wade through the bureaucratic waters of red tape and meeting criteria, the field has become less than fun for me as it once did. I am thankful for the income it has provided though, and if I am still needed I will continue working in it. But I am also pursuing other interests as well.
That got me to thinking though that if money wasn't an object, and I could just work a job that I could enjoy regardless of how much it paid, what would they be?
Here are my jobs I would enjoy working regardless of pay:
1. Teacher, probably high school teacher with focus on American History. Being a teacher can be very rewarding, but let's face it, not the highest paid field. My plan while I was in the Army was to serve 20 years and retire so I could draw pension from the military, and while in earn my teaching degree. Then I could live solely off of my Army pension while not having to worry about the financial stress most teachers have. Maybe one day I'll revisit this dream.
2. Working in a bookstore/library. As a book nerd I would love this. To be surrounded by books and other nerd stuff all day would be a dream come true. I joke that if I were to work at a Barnes and Noble, or Books A Million, that they could just keep my paycheck and convert my pay into books.
3. An author. I love to write, and I have been slowly writing a book. I have the lists of characters and their biographies (which need to be expanded), a rough outline (needs to be refined), and I have even started writing the main body. Right now I am writing it to keep myself occupied and mind busy, and to relax. Hopefully, it will turn into something more.
4. A park ranger. I would love to be a park ranger at a state park and spend my whole day just out in the woods taking care of the park. I love to hike, and I grew up running around in the woods most of my childhood.
5. A reporter. Looking back, I wish I would have been interested in stuff like the school newspaper and working for it, and pursuing a journalistic degree. I think the field is lacking integrity, and I would love to be one of those reporters who are actually neutral and tell the facts so the readers themselves can decide what side to choose.
6. A comic book store owner. I have over 700 comic books in my collection, and I love the stories of superheroes. I would love to have a comic book shop that also had boardgames, card games, and various other geek stuff.
There you have it. I'm sure later I will think of some more but these jobs have always been careers I have considered but never pursued due to life.
However, the field of OT has been affected by the many changes in the healthcare insurance companies, and increased government regulations. As a result, having to wade through the bureaucratic waters of red tape and meeting criteria, the field has become less than fun for me as it once did. I am thankful for the income it has provided though, and if I am still needed I will continue working in it. But I am also pursuing other interests as well.
That got me to thinking though that if money wasn't an object, and I could just work a job that I could enjoy regardless of how much it paid, what would they be?
Here are my jobs I would enjoy working regardless of pay:
1. Teacher, probably high school teacher with focus on American History. Being a teacher can be very rewarding, but let's face it, not the highest paid field. My plan while I was in the Army was to serve 20 years and retire so I could draw pension from the military, and while in earn my teaching degree. Then I could live solely off of my Army pension while not having to worry about the financial stress most teachers have. Maybe one day I'll revisit this dream.
2. Working in a bookstore/library. As a book nerd I would love this. To be surrounded by books and other nerd stuff all day would be a dream come true. I joke that if I were to work at a Barnes and Noble, or Books A Million, that they could just keep my paycheck and convert my pay into books.
3. An author. I love to write, and I have been slowly writing a book. I have the lists of characters and their biographies (which need to be expanded), a rough outline (needs to be refined), and I have even started writing the main body. Right now I am writing it to keep myself occupied and mind busy, and to relax. Hopefully, it will turn into something more.
4. A park ranger. I would love to be a park ranger at a state park and spend my whole day just out in the woods taking care of the park. I love to hike, and I grew up running around in the woods most of my childhood.
5. A reporter. Looking back, I wish I would have been interested in stuff like the school newspaper and working for it, and pursuing a journalistic degree. I think the field is lacking integrity, and I would love to be one of those reporters who are actually neutral and tell the facts so the readers themselves can decide what side to choose.
6. A comic book store owner. I have over 700 comic books in my collection, and I love the stories of superheroes. I would love to have a comic book shop that also had boardgames, card games, and various other geek stuff.
There you have it. I'm sure later I will think of some more but these jobs have always been careers I have considered but never pursued due to life.
A New Day
I am feeling better today. Woke up a little late, but hopped in the shower, got dressed, and headed to the Bartlesville Public Library where I have been spending most of my days. I finished a skills test for a company in my town where I am hoping to gain employment from.
I miss working with the elderly patients of mine while I was an occupational therapy assistant, and who knows, maybe I will get to work as an OTA sometime in the future. But for now, I am content if I won't be able to return to that field. I feel like I have been on borrowed time anyway due to my personal frustrations with the continuously changing Medicare and Healthcare insurance regulations. I've watched my pay rate decrease significantly in the last ten years as a result.
I'm not sure what my future holds, but I know the God who holds me and my future, and I am confident I am in good hands.
I miss working with the elderly patients of mine while I was an occupational therapy assistant, and who knows, maybe I will get to work as an OTA sometime in the future. But for now, I am content if I won't be able to return to that field. I feel like I have been on borrowed time anyway due to my personal frustrations with the continuously changing Medicare and Healthcare insurance regulations. I've watched my pay rate decrease significantly in the last ten years as a result.
I'm not sure what my future holds, but I know the God who holds me and my future, and I am confident I am in good hands.
Thursday, February 20, 2020
Personal Life
I started applying for work yesterday. Not sure if I'll be able to return to the Occupational Therapy field full-time, but right now I'll take just about anything.
My VA appointment went well, and hopefully next month I can start the process of having my case for increased disability reviewed and revised.
Yesterday was a rough day for me but by the grace of God I got through it. I slept for like 12 hours or so last night. I needed the rest. I feel better today though still somewhat numb. I've retreated to my happy place, The Library, for some quiet time with books. I can't read at home because I am distracted by everything else I can occupy myself with.
I'm slowly working on writing my book. I'm taking my time with it, writing one or two paragraphs at a time so it doesn't seem like a chore but rather a hobby. I am glad I am returning to my hobbies of reading and writing instead of solely being a video gamer. I have personally noticed an improvement in my word craft as a result of increasing my time writing and reading.
I still love video games though. I'll have to make a YouTube video soon about my favorite games of all time.
Anyway, thanks for reading. Until next time...
Saturday, February 15, 2020
Self-Reflection
I have had a lot of time to reflect upon my life: the successes, the mistakes made, the things won and the things that were lost; people who have come and people who have gone. For someone like myself, I tend to exaggerate my failures more than my successes. Some people say I am too hard and unforgiving on myself. I push so hard to be better than I think I need to be, and when it doesn't go the way I envisioned, I fall into depression and despair.
In the last three months, I have been learning to give all of that up and surrender any control I thought I once had to God. It has been a challenging process but has yielded a peace to me not known before. I have found God to be a God of love, and not only does He forgive me but He allows me to forgive myself as well.
I no longer look at people with critical glasses but instead am striving to look at everyone through the eyes of Jesus, and what each person means to a loving Heavenly Father. It has changed my perspective and how I interact with the broken, who like me are just trying to find hope.
For a long time, I allowed myself to be influenced by someone who was negative and hyper-critical of everything and anything. She could never take any word said from myself or others which would contradict her point-of-view. She became a toxic influence in my life, and in the last three months I have been free of that; and I can finally breathe the "fresh air" once again.
I have made mistakes, and I am not perfect by any means. But my goal is for every mistake I made, it is an indication that there is something I need to change. I seek change daily. I don't want to be the same today as I was yesterday; and tomorrow I want to be different than what I was today. The walk with God should be a journey of spiritual growth; not spiritual retardation (hindrance to growth).
In reviewing my past blog entries, it is like meeting a complete stranger and not knowing anything about him. That is how I feel when I read the words I wrote in the past, because I do not know that version of myself anymore. I am becoming more familiar with this new man God is creating within me to be.
The journey is long and often perilous, but I have a Savior and His name is Jesus.
In the last three months, I have been learning to give all of that up and surrender any control I thought I once had to God. It has been a challenging process but has yielded a peace to me not known before. I have found God to be a God of love, and not only does He forgive me but He allows me to forgive myself as well.
I no longer look at people with critical glasses but instead am striving to look at everyone through the eyes of Jesus, and what each person means to a loving Heavenly Father. It has changed my perspective and how I interact with the broken, who like me are just trying to find hope.
For a long time, I allowed myself to be influenced by someone who was negative and hyper-critical of everything and anything. She could never take any word said from myself or others which would contradict her point-of-view. She became a toxic influence in my life, and in the last three months I have been free of that; and I can finally breathe the "fresh air" once again.
I have made mistakes, and I am not perfect by any means. But my goal is for every mistake I made, it is an indication that there is something I need to change. I seek change daily. I don't want to be the same today as I was yesterday; and tomorrow I want to be different than what I was today. The walk with God should be a journey of spiritual growth; not spiritual retardation (hindrance to growth).
In reviewing my past blog entries, it is like meeting a complete stranger and not knowing anything about him. That is how I feel when I read the words I wrote in the past, because I do not know that version of myself anymore. I am becoming more familiar with this new man God is creating within me to be.
The journey is long and often perilous, but I have a Savior and His name is Jesus.
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