You
read it right. I am a divorced man. I’m about to be twice divorced. So, what kind of relationship advice could I
possibly give?
In
my experiences of failed relationship, I hope to provide some tips that will
help you to either start a real relationship, or to improve the one you
have. After all, if we don’t learn from
our mistakes, or the mistakes of others in this case, then we are doomed to
repeat them.
1.
Make God the
center of your life before you even think to start a relationship. This is really quite simple but so many
people miss this. If you do not have a
relationship with God, then you cannot have a relationship with someone else
and expect God to be at the center of it.
A relationship is about making sacrifices and having faith in someone
other than yourself. That should start
with God.
2.
You are not a
savior. The concept of if
you date someone you will be rescuing them is what has put most people in the
worst type of relationships. It put me
in a bad relationship with someone in Missouri, and because my second wife
thought I needed saving she pursued me.
People do not need to be saved through a relationship. You are not Jesus Christ. Only Jesus can save. You cannot.
Stop it. DO NOT pursue someone
who is incapable of saving themselves, or at the very least initiate their own
rescue. DO NOT try to save someone from
a domestic abuse situation unless they come to you for help. When they come to you for help, help does not
mean starting a relationship with them and fighting their abusive spouse. DO NOT go to someone who is hurting from a
failed relationship and think you can help them by trying to start a
relationship with them. You are not a
savior. In fact, repeat this phrase at
least ten times with me:
I AM NOT A SAVIOR.
I AM NOT A SAVIOR.
I AM NOT A SAVIOR.
I AM NOT A SAVIOR.
I AM NOT A SAVIOR.
I AM NOT A SAVIOR.
I AM NOT A SAVIOR.
I AM NOT A SAVIOR.
I AM NOT A SAVIOR.
I AM NOT A SAVIOR.
I AM NOT A SAVIOR.
I AM NOT A SAVIOR.
I AM NOT A SAVIOR.
I AM NOT A SAVIOR.
I AM NOT A SAVIOR.
I AM NOT A SAVIOR.
I AM NOT A SAVIOR.
I AM NOT A SAVIOR.
I AM NOT A SAVIOR.
3.
Get to know
someone before you start the dating process.
We are in a day and age of social media where most social interaction is
completed by sitting behind a computer screen or a smart phone device and
sending messages out into the cyber-sphere.
My second failed marriage started because my soon-to-be-ex-wife saw my
posts on Facebook lamenting the failure of a relationship I had just gotten out
of and felt the need to violate Rule #2.
We went on one date before we became intimate thus violating the rule
after this one (keep reading). We didn’t
start getting to know each other until long after a sexual relationship had
been going on. All the baggage we both
had was slowly unpacked in a chaotic fashion as we both never dealt with it
beforehand, nor gave one another leeway to deal with it.
Best advice is to break this vicious
cycle. I am not knocking online dating
sites but before you start a relationship with them, learn how to become their
friends first. Take a few dates, or a
few multiple dates to get to know that person.
Because everything about social media is fake. I try to be as authentic as possible on
Facebook but it is a clever disguise for the real me. Until you meet someone face to face, and
continue to socialize with them face to face, you will never know the real
person by the posts they put on Facebook.
4.
Sex should not be
the reason a relationship starts. This is a major
issue in today’s sex-whenever-you-want-it society. One night stands, walk of shame, pushing your
boobs against someone. We think sex is
the priority. My second marriage started
out with sex and it failed because after that is achieved before marriage vows,
what is left to achieve? After my first
marriage ended, I went wild. I thought
the greatest comfort would be found in a woman’s bosom, any bosom. What I found out after the act had been done
and the woman left, and what I can look back on now, is that I felt more
alone. Sex is personal. It’s a revealing of our insecurities and
vulnerabilities. There is a connection
established when two bodies meet and it can’t be broken even if you never see
that person again. Sex should never be
the foundation of a relationship. Sex is merely the shingles on the roof. That is all.
I dare say sex should not even be the main reason for a marriage to
last. Sex in marriage should be a
continued expression of a married couple’s love for one another.
Notice I keep saying married couple in
regards to sex. Sex should never be done
unless you are married. A man should not
be hunting for sex nor should a woman just be ready to give it up at the drop of
a hat. Have more self-respect and
self-control than that. If you can’t
control your hormones, then what else will you be unable to control.
5.
There is no
competition in a relationship, and neither are you the prize. There should no competition held in
starting a relationship. You should not
have to feel like you are competing against multiple contestants for the
affection of someone. Real dating life
is not that stupid show called The
Bachelor in which idiotic women compete for the affections of one
person. It is quite simple. Either that person is attracted to you or
they are not. So, stop wasting your time
if it is clear there is no mutual attraction.
Don’t regard someone as a prize. Don’t relegate someone to a position that’s
relevant to a prize you win at those rigged carnival games. That’s a person you’re talking about with
real feelings, a real heart, and real emotions.
They don’t want to be treated like a trophy. They want respect, or at least a real person
does.
6.
Don’t pursue
someone who has just ended a relationship or suffered a break-up. I have been separated from my wife now for
almost six months. We have barely
started the legal process for divorce. I
am in no way ready to start another relationship, nor to be toyed around by
some people who think I should understand their affections toward me. Let me make this clear, and this is usually
the feelings of every SANE person who is just now going through their own break
up, we DO NOT understand nor DO we care.
I am too busy dealing with my hurt, trying to readjust to my new single
life, and trying to be a single-father of three to worry or even notice if
someone is attracted to me. Stop
pursuing us. We are too busy right
now. Especially stop pursuing us if
several hints and statements have been made.
I have posted on Facebook within the last six months that I am in no way
interested in dating again for the foreseeable future. Yet some cannot get that through their
heads. And my ex-wife says I’m
unreasonable yet several clear statements have been made.
If someone is coming out of a relationship,
then I must ask why would you pursue that person? It cannot be for your heart because those
whose hearts have just been broken are not ready to care for your heart. My only conclusion is that is not someone’s
heart you are pursuing but rather their anatomical feature. Please read #2 again before proceeding.
7.
Don’t use a person’s
baggage against them. Your spouse may
have come from a broken childhood. They
maybe suffered abuse from their previous relationship. They might be distrustful, have anger issues,
and don’t want to share their feelings because the people whom they once
trusted already betrayed them long before you came into the picture. During the courting process, you start getting
them to open their feelings and they spill everything to you. They are starting to trust you so for the
love of God DO NOT use it against them later.
I told my second wife everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING about my childhood. Stuff I didn’t even tell my first wife I told
my second one. What happened? During our arguments, she used it all against
me. Threw them at me like daggers. Even called me by my mother’s name to incite
my anger. No man will ever trust a woman
again after going through that, and no woman would either. See #4 in this case and understand why we
cannot trust anyone again from our hearts.
Anyone who even thinks to pursue a relationship with me will not only
have to contend and be trusted with my baggage from my childhood, but now must
deal with the baggage from my second marriage.
So why pursue people like me?
Refer to #2 if that is the reason, then see #4, and then come back to
#5.
8. Communicate!!! Learn how to communicate. Learn how to listen. If you can’t talk without yelling or
suppressing the other person, then DO NOT bother pursuing a relationship. If you cannot listen to someone, and I mean
true active listening then do not pursue a relationship. Talking to one another will be like having a
conversation with a brick wall except that conversation would be increasingly
productive.
Understand that in
an argument no one is right. You are
both wrong because the issue being disagreed upon was not dealt with before it
became an issue. So, swallow your pride,
suppress your arguments, and allow one another to explain why they did what
they did. If you want to be always right,
then you should not be in a relationship because you never will be always
right. In fact, you probably should not
be alive because you are never right in this lifetime.
9.
Encourage one
another. You are in a
relationship to build one another up and support one another. Do not tear down one another. Provide each other with kind and loving
words. Don’t blow smoke up your partner’s
fifth point of contact. Instead be
sincere with one another. Support their
dreams, and if you must be realistic about the pursuit of each other’s dreams,
be tactful about it. I love sarcasm but
sarcasm should not be the main method of communication. Sarcasm is like a loaded weapon: you need to
know when to use it and when not to use it.
10. Have friends. Just because you
are married to or in a relationship with your best friend does not mean you
forsake all your friends who came before the relationship. Do not prevent one another from still hanging
out with those friends unless said friends are trying to come in between you
two. Do not isolate one another from
your friends. Do not hog all your
partner’s time. Having interactions with
one another’s friends can save your relationship, and even make it
flourish. Find friends you can hang out
with as a married couple, but also have those friends you can spend alone time
with.
One warning on this friend deal. If married then a husband should not be
spending alone time with a female friend, nor should a wife be spending time
alone with a male friend. I don’t care
if said male or female friends are married to other people. DO NOT DO IT!
Never plant a seed of doubt in your partner’s heart and mind about your
loyalties. Also, limit the time you
spend with your single friends. They are
living a single life. It will conflict
with your relational life. If they can’t
do things with you that would not jeopardize your relationship, then limit your
time with them.
Speaking of having friends, do not pursue
a relationship with someone you consider a good friend unless you think it will
truly be worth it. The loss of a
friendship that could occur if the relationship turns sour may not be worth it. I know it would not be for me. There is a woman whom I do have a crush
on. She went to high school with me. She has been a true friend during this
difficult stage of my life. She is
beautiful, funny, and passionate.
However, losing her friendship would not be worth it to pursue a
relationship. What if went wrong? What if it turned ugly like my second
marriage did? I would lose not only a
relational partner, but a long-time friend.
You should weight that.
There
are my ten suggestions for you. Put God
first, don’t be a savior, get to know someone in real-life, don’t have sex with
someone right away (in fact wait until marriage), stop competing for someone’s
non-existent affections, don’t pursue someone if they are healing from a
recently ended relationship, don’t use a person’s past against them,
communicate, encourage one another, and have a social life outside of the
relationship. Take it from someone who
has had two failed marriages. There is a
reason I share these things because they have been mistakes I have made or they
have been made towards me.
What
about me? Another relationship in the
future? Perhaps not. I know for myself a relationship with another
woman is out of the books for the foreseeable future. It will require a “Jesus on the Road to
Damascus” moment for me to change that.
There are maybe three women I would even consider dating but my
friendship with them is more important (see Rule #10, third paragraph). Relationships are only worth it if both
parties can give more than just their bodies.
Right now, I am not able to give anything to anyone except for my
fatherhood to my children.
