Happiness Is A Myth

I have been silent for awhile on my blog, and on Facebook.  In fact, I deleted my previous Facebook account and went two or three weeks before activating a new one again.  I took the time to process some things, and there is still a lot more to process.  The one thing I am tired of is everyone telling me what I need to do to be happy.  It is time to set the record straight here.  Happiness is a myth.  Even in the land of America where our forefathers told us we have the right to pursue happiness, it is a myth.

Truthfully, if it takes another person to make you happy then you are not happy.  You are a parasite.  You are a leech who sucks the life of others for your selfish gains and then detaches in pursuit of another person to latch on to.  This has been me.  My second and final marriage was nothing more than me leeching of someone to make me "happy".  She never did because truthfully I was not at peace with myself.  I was not happy with myself.  When you are not at peace with yourself, when you cannot love yourself, then how can you love others?  How can you be at peace with someone else in your life?

I was faced with the opportunity of deciding whether to pursue a relationship with someone I do care about.  She has been a friend to me since the end of my first marriage.  I decided that friendship was more important than a relationship.  I seem to hurt those I seek a relationship with.  Because of my tendency to hurt others, I hold back from admitting my true feelings towards a high school classmate who I think is the most beautiful woman in the world, and whom has been a great friend through this trial of mine.  Her smile lights me up and yet I would not sacrifice our friendship to pursue a relationship because she has been hurt too much already, and I don't want to add to that.

I still love my first wife, and we are good friends.  Yet I would not ruin that friendship in the hopes of rekindling our marriage.

I am guarding my heart now more than ever.  I am guarding my body now more than ever.  When my first marriage ended, I threw God and my purity out the window in pursuit of the flesh.  I won't do so this time.  I won't cave in to the notion that there is only one life to live and I just do what I want.  That is not living.  That is nothing more than running from yourself; running and hiding from your own personal hurt.  Getting drunk or getting laid or giving in to wild abandon does not solve problems, and it is not the way to live.

I took a drive earlier today to think about everything in my life that has gone wrong.  It has centered around my pursuit of women.  I am not saying relationships are bad, but they are poison for me.  I cannot be a husband, but I can be a good friend.  And I would rather be a friend and never have intimacy than to have intimacy and lose my friends. 

The Bible does not promise us happiness.  It says there is joy in God.  That joy is a promise of hope that no matter what we are going through-difficult times or the best of times-we can be assured that God will see us through and it is not the end.  We are not always going to be happy but we can always have joy.

So please, I know my friends mean well when they say I should be happy and I should not give up.  But you don't know what is best for me.  I do.  I know I am tired of hurting, and I am tired of hurting others.  I am tired of fighting for love that is just not possible for me.  God loves me without condition, which is far more than what others have loved me for.  God gives me joy, and pursuing Him wholeheartedly is the best thing I can do.  I can't do that if I am distracted by the flesh.

So with that I say I cannot wait to get this divorce over with because it will be the last time I get divorced.  I am choosing now to harden my heart against the idea of marriage.  It will take Jesus appearing to me like He did to Apostle Paul on the road to Damascus to get me to change my stance.  I cannot do the sex game again, and I cannot put my heart out on my sleeve once more only to watch it get crushed again.